I have always struggled with my weight but not in the sense you may be thinking. Instead of wanting to lose weight, I have always wanted to put on weight. I have always been underweight, a bit of a bean pole; tall, slim and not much fat on these bones.

I have had enough of the comments of ‘You need a good cheeseburger’, or ‘Doesn’t your mum feed you?’. But those people don’t understand the games my mind plays, how I live by a strict regime to be like this yet also the fear of putting on weight is real too.

Of course, I want to eat and look normal, look healthy. But my mind hasn’t allowed it for so long. When I look at my reflection in the mirror, I see myself as fat. I know realistically that not to be true yet it makes me believe it. I know when I am hating on myself that I am not in a good headspace. Because there are times when I can appreciate my body and see how fortunate I am to be this shape. That’s when life is good and I am in a good place. Thankfully, that is where I am now but it is still at the back of my mind most days, trying to creep back in.

Anorexia makes you do funny things. It is almost like you have two minds. You want to put on weight but it won’t allow you to eat to put on the weight. With anorexia it is easy to not eat; you loose your appetite, you loose your sense of taste, you just don’t want to eat in fear you will put on weight because your mind is telling you, that you will. I would purposely skip meals or eat small portion; faking fullness, hiding food or on the other hand, the foods I purposely ate were not ones that put on weight. I would drink plenty of herbal teas and eat many fruits and vegetables. I was well aware that it wouldn’t gain weight. That’s where the struggle is. You fear being fat so it doesn’t let you.

I have never enjoyed eating in front of others, or accepting food from anyone, or even eating anything that has under a 3.5-star rating on the packaging. My wardrobe was full of loose clothing, I had no self-confidence and never liked to draw attention to myself in fear someone would comment on my weight.

It is easy to see the other girls on the street that are struggling, that are hating on themselves or going through a tough time like me. The baggy clothing so no one can see your ‘fat’ or the coloured bright blue hair to distract people from looking at your body. It is obvious now. I wish they realised they are more than their bodies.

So when I am in a good headspace, when I am not worried about being judged by others, when I know I am loved for who I am and not having to be someone else, eating comes easily or easier. In my current relationship, I feel safer and more loved than ever before which in my head, gives me permission to love myself. As a result, I have put on weight. I am the heaviest I have ever been at 64kgs and I am okay with that. It is not fat I see anymore but healthy.

So if you are struggling or attempting to put on weight you could try;

• to eat more often, try five times a day

• increase your healthy fat intake - eat more eggs, fish, avocado, nuts, olive oil

• make your own smoothies - particularly ones with bananas in them

• increase your resistance training, decrease cardio

• get your mental health sorted - dealing with anorexia was sabotaging. When you are mentally healthy it is easier to stand up to it

• love yourself more - being in a loving relationship has helped

• increase carbohydrates – pasta, quinoa, corn, potato, beans

You don’t just heal from Anorexia and everything is fine and dandy. It is just like anxiety. It is always there at the back of your mind, trying to push its way forward and gain your attention. My eating habits have changed now, occasionally they slip and I neglect to eat but mostly I am making more of an effort and see and feel the positive benefits of not letting Anorexia win.

Have you struggled with your weight or accepting yourself as you are? We would love it if you joined the conversation and left a comment below.