My last relationship was based on hope.

I hoped he would stop smoking. I hoped he would stop lying to me. I hoped he would stop taking my money. I hoped he would get a job. I hoped he would change. I hoped he would see how important these things were for me.

I didn't want to be a nag. I didn't want to repeat the same conversation everyday. I didn't want to live with disappointment. I didn't want to threaten to leave him anymore.

But I figured three years is more than enough time to find a job, join a quit smoking program and get help. But... nothing, no change. Just more fake excuses and promises.

And one day I just woke up and realised all my hope had evaporated. Nothing was ever going to change. He wasn't changing. And I wasn't going to change what I valued.

So I left. I got on the plane and never came back.

Well if anything was a wake up call for him, that was. But again more broken promises and deception. "I will stop smoking. I will get a job. I will do anything if you just come back".

But as excruiatingly hard as it was to admit to myself and to him that I was not coming back, it was worth it.

I had been hoping that if I loved on him so hard he would love me in return. Not just my money. I didn't want to live each day in hope. Hoping for a better future and hoping for the real man I deserved.

I realised the hard way I want to live each day appreciating the life I have. Loving the man I share my life with, whom I share my everything with and be loved in return. I want to be grateful everyday for who I am and be present in each moment. I want to enjoy the now, not the possibility of what could be. I want to live in the now, not live for the future, for a better tomorrow.

And so I do. I consciously make the decision to live each day like this might be my last. I'm not old, ill or on my way out. But I understand now. I get it. It's not possible to live in hope and be happy. Hope and happy do not mix. And I prefer to be happy. 

Now all the hard lessons I learned from my ex are paying off. No more wasting time. My new relationship makes me happy. I have a new perspective on life. I accept him for who he is. I don't need him to change. I don't need to change. I just love on him because he makes me happy and feel loved in return. It's simple. It's easy. There is not much too it.